Trying to find Peace

 

 Lord, time of quiet with You is scarce 

My brain is scattered 

My cup is bare

I fill the day meeting needs

Working

Chasing

Not on my knees

Since the loss of Holly girl

My brain is in a constant swirl

We've left our house

We've moved 

          We've changed

The train keeps roaring

Our world rearranged

Lord, we are struggling 

Is this your will?

To lose it all

To swallow this pill?

It seems like it is all a loss

We are sad and weary of 

Carrying this cross

Baby girls are in Your hands 

We are trying to trust 

Whatever your plan

I cry out to You with poetry

These words are me on my knees

Please hear my prayer for these girls

Hold them tight in this cold, dark world

Keep them safe

Touch their lives with Your grace

Surround them with angels

Don't take them away

But Your will, not mine

Is the lesson here

Every month

Every hour

I'm learning this year

YOU are Sovereign

Jesus my King

There is nothing that happens without

YOUR KNOWING

     My heart is heavy as I continue to mourn the loss of my daughter Holly.  The shock was so great at first 

that I could't even cry.   I longed for the tears that would not fall. I could not comprehend that she was 

gone.  I lay awake for hours, night after night in our rv, looking out at the stars, remembering every single 

detail of the weeks leading up to her passing. What could I have done differently? How could I have 

helped her better? Why didn't she ask for help? There are no answers and I know it is not my fault.  It does 

not make it any easier. The repercussions of her decisions are so far reaching to us who are left behind. 

But I know she did the best she could.   I know that she tried so hard to give her family the best side of her

 and hid her addictions and her pain.  Showing up only when she was feeling her best. For that I love her

 and am proud of her. 

     This is the first thing I've written since she has left this life.  I have so much I want to share about my 

girl Holly.  So many lessons I have learned in the raising of her.  I want to help those who are struggling 

with the same things and help families who are coping with the loss of loved ones to addictions.  Her life 

meant so much and as I heal I will begin to write about her story.  I have written thing about Holly in the

 past but I never shared them because I always thought it was her story to tell.  But soon I will tell it for 

her.

     My faith in the Lord Jesus is what has carried me through this. It is supernatural grace.  Grace defined 

biblically is "the free and unmerited favor or beneficence of God." That is the only way I can explain how

 I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger,

abounding in love. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have 

suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."  This is what He 

is doing in my life despite one loss after another.  

     One of my favorite verses is "You will experience God's peace which is far more wonderful than the 

human mind can understand.  His peace will keep your hearts and your minds at rest as you trust in Christ 

Jesus." Phillipians 4:7.   I do trust and I still have my faith.  The tears finally came and for that I am 

grateful. I am able to pour out my heart to God and trust He has a plan even in this.  Easy? No! It's a 

whole lot of Why God? and questioning everything.  I am thankful for my husband, my family and my 

friends at church who have walked with me in my grief. They have been there for me and prayed for me 

and listened to my confusion.

     This is not my usual mode of blogging.  Kind of a beginning of writing to process all the events of the 

last few months.  Trying to start somewhere.  If you have read this far, thank you.  Be blessed. Praying

God will give me the words to help and encourage others.

Gabriella: Welcome to the Family

    

  Welcome to the world little Miss Gabriella! You are so loved. From the time I 

knew that your Mama Holly was carrying you in her womb I have been praying for 

your health and wholeness. It was a rocky time for your Mama she she discovered 

that you were in her belly but that is her story to tell. Your mama is a very good 

writer and I pray that someday she will be able to share her stories.

     In October, your Mama had an ultrasound which showed that you were 

measuring very small compared to other babies at this gestational age. I wrote in 

my journal: "Lord God, this baby, he or she (because we didn't know if you were a 

boy or a girl yet) is measuring very tiny. I pray that you would touch him or her 

and breathe health and healing and strength and vitality into his/her being so that 

she will grow up to be strong and to love you Lord!" Jeremiah 30:17 says. "But I 

will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord." I read this 

verse and claimed it for you little one!

     Your Papa and I spent the summer in Vermont with your Mama and your sister, 

August, waiting excitedly as we watched your Mom's belly grow and felt your 

movement in her belly. I looked forward to your due date, November 30th when 

we would finally get to meet you!

     On October 13th, in my journal, I wrote, "Please strengthen Hollly's baby and 

help her to put on weight and be healthy." I know how anxious your Mom was 

about your health. I was in North Carolina and she was in Vermont and I wished I 

could have been closer so that I could encourage and comfort her. I knew that I 

wanted to be there when you were born so I made arrangements to arrive in 

Vermont on November 8th. Your due date was November 30th so I was hopeful to 

spend some time with Holly and August and be available when your Mom went 

into labor.

     But the week before I was due to arrive in Vermont, your Mom started 

experiencing high blood pressure and the doctor continued to be concerned about 

you low birth weight. He wanted to admit your Mom to the hospital and induce 

labor a few weeks early to avoid any more complications. She was able to hold the 

doctor off for the weekend of November 6th. On Monday, November 8th he 

insisted that your Mama be admitted to NMC for bed rest. He would induce labor 

the following morning, Tuesday, November 9th.

       I got there in time to watch your sister but because of COVID restrictions, I 

was not allowed to visit Holly in the hospital.  I took August for a walk in the

 stroller. We walked around the hospital and your Mama waved at us from her 

bedroom window.  That's as close as we could get. 

     August and I spent a lot of time together in the next few weeks while you were 

in the hospital.

August and I like taking snapchat pictures.

One day August fell asleep in her stroller during

our walk so I carried her in the house.

Sweet dreams August!

Playing with cousin Layne.

Wearing Mima's glasses.

Silly girls!

We had fun at the pet store seeing the fish and turtles!

She got a hold of my white out and painted her fingernails.

Wearing Mima's sweater.

     Your mama labored all day on Tuesday but you took your time coming. Finally,

 after an epidural which only numbed half of your Mama's body, you were born at 

7:06 pm at Northwestern Medical Center in St Albans.

You are so sweet little one!

     Mama got to hold you briefly but then they whisked you out of the room 

because you were having breathing difficulties. I don't know all the details but I 

do know your condition was serious enough for them to transport you by 

ambulance to the UVM Medical Center where you could get specialized care in the 

Pediatric Intensive Care Unit.

     Meanwhile, your Mima, (that's me), had been waiting eagerly to hear if you 

had been born yet. I called your Mom using Face time around 8 pm. I looked at 

her face and said, "How are you doing? Still laboring?" She looked stunned and 

said, " I just had the baby!" Yay!  I was so excited I almost forgot to ask if you 

were a boy or a girl!  What is it? I finally asked. "It's a girl!" she said.  We were 

thrilled and happy but I knew how worried your Mama was because the doctors 

had taken you out of the room so quickly. I was worried too.

     It was a very difficult time. We were hoping, praying and wondering if you 

were going to be ok. Your Mom was in one hospital and you were in another one a 

half hour away. Because of COVID restrictions, only your Mama and Daddy were 

able to visit you in NICU! You had to be intubated and fed through a tube. The 

doctors sedated you to allow you to be still so that the hole in your lung could 

heal. Mommy couldn't even hold you because you were so fragile. You only 

weighed 4 pounds, 15 ounces but you were here at last! You had the most 

beautiful head of black hair I have ever seen! Despite all the problems, I knew you 

were getting the best care possible and I was trusting that God would heal you 

completely.

One day they finally took your oxygen out.

 Only one tube left, your feeding tube!

You look like you're smiling in your sleep.

     For two weeks, your Mama and Daddy went back and forth to the hospital so 

they could spend time with you while you got better. Finally, the doctors took the 

oxygen off of you and you were breathing all by yourself. Without all the tube and

 oxygen mask on you, we were finally able to see your beautiful face! 

You started to drink your bottles and nurse until finally you were well enough to 

come home. On Thanksgiving day, November 25th, 17 days after you were born, 

Mama and Daddy dressed you up pretty and brought you home.

Time to leave the hospital at last!

You are so pretty!

     Then they brought you to meet your sister and your Auntie Audrey and your 

Mima (me). What a celebration!

We finally got to see you in person!

August meeting her sissy!!

Meeting your Auntie Audrey!

I was so happy to finally get to hold you!

     The verse for you I find today is : "The eternal God is your refuge, and 

underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27. 

 May God 

  carry you in His arms all the

 days of your life!

I love you sweet Gabriella!

Your first Christmas!~

I Know my Shepherd’s Voice

  The voice of a stranger, I will not follow.  At times it seems there are too many voices in my

head.  No, not the I am crazy kind of voices, just the nagging thoughts that beat me up at times. 

When I am trying to do a good thing like write in my blog to share the good news of God's grace.

 That's when I sometimes get feelings and thoughts of You're not good enough!" "Why are you doing

that Janet?"  You just want attention.  Nobody cares what you write about.  You don't genuinely

believe that stuff.  You're just being a goody two shoes."


      On and on sometimes, these thoughts come to me and that is when I have to choose truth.  Choose

 the truth that tells me I am a child of God! The Word of God that answers these questions with what

is really truth!  And that is:  I am doing this because God has given me the gift of writing to share

what is important to me and to HIM!  I don't want attention, I want to give God the glory and these

 words bring HIM glory.  Somebody of God's choosing will read words in this blog and be

encouraged and know that He reigns and wants all to know His love.  I believe! HE promised that

once I accepted Jesus as my personal savior long ago when I was about ten years old that He would

never leave me or forsake me. In Deuteronomy 31:6  it says it "The Lord, He is the One who goes

before you.  He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be

dismayed."  This truth I hold in my heart!  and    Isaiah 43:1  "But know, thus says the Lord, who

created you (he created me!!), O Jacob  And He who formed you, O Israel;  "Fear not, for I have

redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine." 
 
     So when the voice of a stranger tells me I am not good enough, I replace it with the word of truth,

even if I have to do it 100 times a day or more!  John 10:4-5   "To him the doorkeeper opens and the

sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  And when he brings

out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice.  Yet they

 will by no means follow a stranger but will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of

strangers."

Pumpkin Time

Pumpkin Carving Time!  October in North Carolina is quite different from Vermont but we can still carve pumpkins!  I found some good size ones at the LIDL store for only $1.99! Faith's best friend since  kindergarten is here to visit so it made it all the more special.  A nice time spent with my girls!

As we gathered up our pumpkins from the front porch we found that this one had a critter on it!

We looked up ideas on Pinterest for what to carve.

Oooh, gooey, messy job cleaning out the pumpkins.

Designing the faces with a sharpie!

Looking good Gabby!

I did the simplest design that I could find.  

A little house with a door for my lil Indian.

Faith carved half a face because it was getting too dark to see.  I

I like the look of it.

A spooky spider made it's home in the front door!  

Fitting for the season.

 Checking out the spider!

You’re Closer to God than you Think

     You’re closer to God than you think said my mentor Lucy to me one day.   Lucy was my friend and mentor from church.  She knew me well.  She was full of wisdom and always had a good word for the women of our Bible study.  Many times I have reflected back on that statement and thought “Wow” she sees that in me. Then I should see it in myself or feel it at least.  So should you!  This led me to write a poem came out as I considered her statement. 

When you Doubt

Are you close to God?

Do you wonder?

Do you fear?

Remember, your feelings are not reliable dear!

Senses can lie

If you are questioning why

Emotions are fickle

Remember that when doubts begin to trickle

If you gave your life to Jesus

Do you remember that day?

The day you found grace?

The day you found faith?

It’s as true now 

As it was then

He Gives Once

For eternity my friend!

By our love

By our fruit

By our prayers up to YOU

By our Faith, not our doubt

By our praises

We should shout

We may be Thomas on the inside

Needing to see your face

But it all comes down to one thing

GRACE!

Our faith may be tiny as a mustard seed 

But that is all we need!

YOU are LORD

YOU are mine

I am yours for all time!

     I guess one way I know for sure that this is truth is that it is innate in me to talk to God.  Even when I wake up in the middle of the night, my first thought is often to pray.  Just a whisper, a plea; help me!  Be with our children!  Guide us!  Show me!  Help me to trust in You more!  Or even, Help me to fall back asleep, please! 

     John 13:35 says that "they will know that we are Christians, or followers of Jesus by our love!"  Christian - it means follower of Christ, which I am !  The word " Christ" in Greek is equivalent to the word Messiah in Hebrew which means anointed one.  Ah, what a special word!  This means to consecrate or make sacred.  I cannot anoint myself so I believe by faith that God has anointed me with the blood of Jesus.  HE chose me and I accepted HIS love.  I carry HIS love within me and try to pour it back out to all those around me.  

     But most of all, even when I fret and doubt, it all goes back to one basic theme; Faith.  "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  Hebrews 11:1.  I do not rely on warm, fuzzy feelings. (though I used to). I rely on faith in the Word that I know to be true.  I also rely on the verse in John chapter 20 in which Jesus says to Thomas, "Have you believed because you have seen me?  BLESSED are those who have not seen and yet have believed." verse 29.  I have not seen but I sure am blessed!

     So, yes I guess I am closer to God than I think!  So glad I have the truth of His Word in my spirit!

I pray that this post helps to encourage you if. you ever have doubts.  Please Lord, remind your children that once they give their life to You, You will never leave them or forsake them!

August Ann Airoldi

    "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart."  Jeremiah 1:5
A blessing for you and your Mommy and Daddy
     "But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who reverence HIM.  HIS salvation extends to the children's children of those who obey HIS commandments!"  Psalm 103:17 and 18

     Hello to you my newest granddaughter!  Welcome to the family!  Your name is August yet you were born in May.  I am sure many people will question that throughout your life but that is ok.  I love your name.  I am your Mima and my birthday is August 16th so maybe that is why I am partial to that month and name.  Your Daddy's birthday is in August also.    I decided to look it up and the first definition I came across says, "marked by majestic dignity or grandeur"  Wow!  Sounds like royalty!  Honored, esteemed and highly regarded are some other definitions that I came across.  So know that your name is special and so are you!  You are the daughter of a most high KING!  He has good plans for your life and you are loved!

     On the day that you were born, May15, 2019, your Mom texted me around 5 in the morning to ask me if I was at work yet.  I said " Are you in labor?"  She said, " I think I am.  I am getting in shower.  contractions are only a few minutes apart."   I was getting ready for work and had to be there at 6:00 am so I was wide awake.  I told her I would come right over so that I could drive her and your Daddy to the hospital.  I said,  " I'm on my way." and Mommy said, "Ok I' m rushing to get ready it was kind of sudden."   Labor is like that.  When you least expect it!!  I arrived at your apartment at 5:47 am and Mommy and Daddy came out.  I drove them to Northwest Medical Center and dropped them off at the Emergency entrance.  By 7:54 am I received a message from Mommy telling me that you were here.  Wow, that was fast I thought!  I was grateful to be working right next door at Dialysis so I knew I would get to meet you very soon.  That made me so happy.  I am glad that your Mommy had a quick labor and delivery.  You were healthy and strong and had a lot of dark hair.  You are beautiful just like your Mom. 

You look so tiny!  all 6 pounds of you!

Mama is so happy to meet you!

I am so happy to meet you too!

I love you August!

Welcome Miss Layne!

  

      I welcome you to the family and this great planet earth lil Miss Layne Kennedy Lavallee! Just so you know, I am your grandmother.  The other grandchildren have dubbed me as "Mima" and I hope you will do the same.  I am writing this story about you and your Mama so you will never have any questions or worries about how much you are loved by this family!  Most of this will be told by my perspective because I like to write.  I am sure your Mama will have plenty to say to you as well!

      What a privilege to be at your birth and to support your Mama and Daddy as they begin this road called parenthood.  Before you even got here, you were so loved and so wanted.  Every day since your Mama shared the news of your imminent arrival we have prayed and planned and worried over your coming!  The day I found out your Mama was expecting you was completely unexpected by me.
It was a Saturday in early October.  Your Mama and I went to St Albans store, Lenny's to buy my brother Joe a gift for his birthday.  I pulled into a parking space.  Audrey reached into the glove compartment, rummaged a bit and pulled something out!  She tossed it on the seat  and burst into tears immediately! It was a pregnancy stick with the pink plus sign indicating that she was pregnant!  I was so surprised and I think she was too but sometimes in life, the unexpected can turn out to be the best blessing of all!  she was emotional, surprised, scared and happy all at once and all I could do as her Mama was hug her, congratulate her, and listen!

     Your Mama was mostly in shock but I know how thrilled she was to know she was carrying a baby in her womb!  To watch her plan, and adjust and load apps on her phone about pregnancy was fun.  She reminded me of myself in her need to plan and learn as much as she could to have a safe and healthy pregnancy.  Early pregnancy for your Mom was tricky and not without its scares. I will not go into detail but we did make a few trips to the Emergency Room.   We prayed so hard that nothing would happen and that you would be healthy and that your Mama would be healthy too.

This was a few days before You were born.  Mama had to sit for a stress test to make sure you were healthy and well!!

     Your due date was June 6th, 2019 and in May your Mama began to experience high blood pressure readings.  The midwives in Burlington were concerned about preeclamsia developing and so they decided it would be best for her to be induced.  The date was set for May 20, 2019 and I was delighted that I had the day off from work and that your Mama wanted me there for the birth.

     I met your Mom and Dad at their apartment and your Dad was ironing a pink shirt to wear to the hospital, knowing that you were a girl.  For some reason, he changed his mind.  I guess he is not a pink shirt kind of guy and decided on blue instead.  Bags were packed and we headed to UVM medical center for the big day.

     We got there around 10:30 am and the room was on the top floor of the hospital filled with big windows and an amazing view of Lake Champlain and the campus of the college.  The whiteboard on the wall said, Goals for this stay!  "Meet your daughter!" Also your nurse was Joanna and the midwife to deliver you was Cory.

     They decided that since you were premature by 3 weeks that your Mom needed to have a procedure that involved inserting a Foley balloon catheter so that it would allow her cervix to ripen and thin.  It all sounded so simple and easy............ This was around  12:15 pm and then labor began!!!   Contractions started almost immediately and I must say that you, Audrey were amazing. By 1:30, they suggested that you go in the bathtub so that it might be more comfortable  This is when I suggested that you concentrate on breathing through it. Only a woman in labor can understand how vital this is.  It is truly the only thing that helps you to focus.  You, Audrey took to this advice like a pro and although I have not attended many births, I admit that you were so completely in control and focused like no other! Contractions were literally a minute to two minutes apart and not much relief between.  I was so proud of you although I hated seeing you in pain.  Daddy and I took turns sitting with Mama while she labored to encourage her.

     The nurse had suggested that Mom order lunch from room service before labor had started.  So when we got her out of the bath tub around 2:40 pm, it had arrived.  Mama sat on a big round bouncy ball and for some strange reason her contractions subsided.  I can only say that this must have been a gift from The Lord!   She happily ate some delicious chicken, broccoli alfredo as if she were dining in a fancy restaurant.  (This alfredo will come back up later in the story!)  I guess that was His way of giving her sustenance for the long labor and day ahead!
 
     Your labor started right back up again shortly after this welcome reprieve and yummy lunch!  You went from sitting on the balloon at the end of the bed to the recliner in the corner.  Daddy had to run to work to fill out some paperwork for insurance so I sat with you.  I was able to take pictures and a short video of Mama laboring.  I knew when all was said and done, it would be hard to remember the details and she would enjoy looking back once the pain was over.  Truly she was completely concentrated on breathing through the contractions that never seemed to stop.  Honestly, I don't know how women endure it sometimes.  The reward of holding our newborn baby in our arms makes it all worth while.  I encouraged Mama by telling her that each pain would bring you closer!

     When Daddy got back, Mama was having a lot of back pain so we took turns putting pressure on her lower back as she continued to sit on bouncy ball leaning over the bed.  At around 4 pm, we were realizing that the Foley catheter has not fallen out yet.  The nurse has reassured Mama that once it does fall out, that means that she has dilated a lot and then maybe things would start moving more quickly for your arrival!  But 5 o'clock came and still no sign of that darn catheter.   Mama awkwardly maneuvered from the chair to the bed to the bouncy ball to the toilet, she continued to have hard labor every minute with contractions lasting about 40 seconds.  All I can say is that I prayed a lot,  please Lord let this baby come quickly!

      Cory suggested that they inflate the balloons in the catheter by another 20 cc's so that maybe it would make things move a little faster.  As Mama was on the throne in the bathroom they inflated the balloons which only caused a lot of pain for her.  She insisted on them removing the saline.  Still the catheter remained.

     Back to the bed where they adjusted Mama on all fours on the ball to help with her comfort level.  Truly, she did move from ball to bed and back again!! Sh tried many positions to get through this rite of passage into  Motherhood!  Still no sign of that catheter.  All the while, Daddy and I continued to encourage and apply pressure on her back.

     At once point the nurse encouraged mama to walk out into the hallway.  There is a huge set of windows out there with an incredible view but what women cares about a view while in the throes of labor?!  She ate an Italian ice while holding on to a railing and was about as uncomfortable and unhappy as I have ever seen her!  This is when she began to question.  "How much longer can I do this for?"  I can't keep doing this!"

    

     It is now almost 7 pm and Mama is wondering if she can keep laboring this intensely.  "Why isn't the catheter falling out?"  "Can I have an epidural now?"  The midwife tries to deter this path of getting an epidural as she believes it is going to slow down Audrey's progress,  Audrey does not care anymore.  She just wants to be done. Cory suggests another bath and the nurse begins to fill the tub.  At this point in the day, it is hard to remember everything because things seemed to move very quickly from here on out.  The tub is filling.  Daddy decided that probably it is time to get an epidural and speaks up for Mama.  "Do you want a bath or an epidural Audrey?"  Audrey states that she wants the epidural.

     Mama stands to head to the bathroom.  We try to help her walk over between contractions and suddenly she begins shaking and vomiting all at once!  At around 7:30 pm, the foley bulb decides to make its exit and we know that perhaps she is dilated enough and the end is in sight.  Back into bed and the midwife requests the anasthesiologist to come and give her the long awaited epidural to relieve her pain.  He finally arrives at 8:50 pm!  I leave the room so that the procedure can be done and come back to find my girl in a lucid, calm state of mind.  What a relief to see her out of pain but I am sure I was not as relieved as she was!

     She continued to have labor but now we watched the monitor as each contraction came and went.  One side of her body was quite numb the other not as much so.  We asked the nurse to check and see how dilated she was at around 9:30 pm but the were going to insert another catheter for urine and she wanted to wait until about 10 pm.  I questioned whether I should go home as I had to work at 5:30 in the morning the next day.  I hated to leave her.  I am so glad I stayed!

     Daddy and I sat beside Mama while she labored.  All of a sudden the room was full of people!  We had stopped looking at the monitor for a while so unbeknownst to us, your heart rate had started to drop!  The medical team came rushing in and there was talk of c-section.  It seemed  so chaotic and unreal.  Mama was shaking and trembling.  This is a normal part of labor but it seemed so frightening.  One nurse had a clipboard and a pen and was asking Mama to sign a release form for a c-section to be performed.  I began praying hard!  I just wanted Audrey to have an easy delivery!  This was not in the plan.  Not at all! I quickly sent a message to Paul, Faith and Auntie Sue to pray along with me!
     The doctor began to watch monitor closely and then they decided to put a fetal monitor on your head so they could better monitor you. Then suddenly your heart rate started to get better again. We all breathed a sigh of relief.   Things went well for abut ten minutes and the nurse and midwife placed Mama in all kinds of strange positions so as to take the pressure off of the umbilical cord which was causing your heart rate to drop. Unfortunately this process was short lived and Dr Wagner was called back to the room. She watched closely but after three drops in your heart rate, she called for c-section!
     Things moved even quicker this time!  I hated watching my Audrey cry as they wheeled her from the room to the operating room. They told Daddy they would come back for him in a minute. I just kept praying!  Lord Jesus please protect Audrey and baby and bring them through this safely!

Soon they came back with paper garb for Dustin to wear. 

He put the clothes on and rushed to the delivery room to see you born but alas he was back in less than two minutes. That scared me but apparently Mama felt pain so they had to make him leave the room so Mama could be put under general anasthesia. We paced and worried. The midwife ran back in to get Audreys phone so that she could take your first photos!  We didn't have to wait long because within minutes, a beautiful bundle appeared in the nurses arms and that beauty was you Layne!!

     Daddy smiled so big.  He was so thrilled to meet you and thought that you were the most perfect thing he had ever seen.  The joy you brought him was a sight to see.

     I was thrilled that I got to hold you so soon but we anxiously waited for Mama to wake up from the surgery. Meanwhile we examined you and counted your fingers and toes!   All accounted for.

     Finally Mama was wheeled back to the room. She was groggy and anxiously peering about to get her first look at you!  Oh what a happy mama when she saw your sweet face for the first time!   What a special day this was!  Happy Birthday Layne!

I love you!!