Lord, time of quiet with You is scarce
My brain is scattered
My cup is bare
I fill the day meeting needs
Working
Chasing
Not on my knees
Since the loss of Holly girl
My brain is in a constant swirl
We've left our house
We've moved
We've changed
The train keeps roaring
Our world rearranged
Lord, we are struggling
Is this your will?
To lose it all
To swallow this pill?
It seems like it is all a loss
We are sad and weary of
Carrying this cross
Baby girls are in Your hands
We are trying to trust
Whatever your plan
I cry out to You with poetry
These words are me on my knees
Please hear my prayer for these girls
Hold them tight in this cold, dark world
Keep them safe
Touch their lives with Your grace
Surround them with angels
Don't take them away
But Your will, not mine
Is the lesson here
Every month
Every hour
I'm learning this year
YOU are Sovereign
Jesus my King
There is nothing that happens without
YOUR KNOWING
My heart is heavy as I continue to mourn the loss of my daughter Holly. The shock was so great at first
that I could't even cry. I longed for the tears that would not fall. I could not comprehend that she was
gone. I lay awake for hours, night after night in our rv, looking out at the stars, remembering every single
detail of the weeks leading up to her passing. What could I have done differently? How could I have
helped her better? Why didn't she ask for help? There are no answers and I know it is not my fault. It does
not make it any easier. The repercussions of her decisions are so far reaching to us who are left behind.
But I know she did the best she could. I know that she tried so hard to give her family the best side of her
and hid her addictions and her pain. Showing up only when she was feeling her best. For that I love her
and am proud of her.
This is the first thing I've written since she has left this life. I have so much I want to share about my
girl Holly. So many lessons I have learned in the raising of her. I want to help those who are struggling
with the same things and help families who are coping with the loss of loved ones to addictions. Her life
meant so much and as I heal I will begin to write about her story. I have written thing about Holly in the
past but I never shared them because I always thought it was her story to tell. But soon I will tell it for
her.
My faith in the Lord Jesus is what has carried me through this. It is supernatural grace. Grace defined
biblically is "the free and unmerited favor or beneficence of God." That is the only way I can explain how
I keep putting one foot in front of the other. "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger,
abounding in love. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have
suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." This is what He
is doing in my life despite one loss after another.
One of my favorite verses is "You will experience God's peace which is far more wonderful than the
human mind can understand. His peace will keep your hearts and your minds at rest as you trust in Christ
Jesus." Phillipians 4:7. I do trust and I still have my faith. The tears finally came and for that I am
grateful. I am able to pour out my heart to God and trust He has a plan even in this. Easy? No! It's a
whole lot of Why God? and questioning everything. I am thankful for my husband, my family and my
friends at church who have walked with me in my grief. They have been there for me and prayed for me
and listened to my confusion.
This is not my usual mode of blogging. Kind of a beginning of writing to process all the events of the
last few months. Trying to start somewhere. If you have read this far, thank you. Be blessed. Praying
God will give me the words to help and encourage others.
