Here I am

10/18/2017

     Bear with me here as I try to get my thoughts and emotions out so that I can heal.  For so many years, I was restless to move. To change to see new sights.  To be warm!  Now that I am here in North Carolina where the sun shines all the time and the humidity is high and I leave my air conditioned house sometimes just so I can go outside and warm up in the shade, I wonder how I ended up here!  I miss my family in Vermont and the familiarity of my old job and seeing friends and as my friend Candace says, waving to people I know.  Things are foreign here.  I still do not have a great job and have not really found my niche.  We have found a wonderful church and for that I am truly grateful.  I had yearnings and a restless spirit and frankly I am kind of mad at myself that now that we are here, I look back and miss what I had.  That is not what God wants for me, for us.  I know this and this week I have truly made up my mind to be open to the blessings and the destiny HE has for me, for us.  For I have not been open.  I have been stalled, and stunted. I listened to Pastor TD Jakes and was reminded of this verse;

"Do not remember the former things; 

neither consider the things of old.  

Behold, I am doing a new thing! 

 Now it springs forth; do you not perceive 

and know it and will you not give heed to it?

  I will even make a way in the wilderness 

and rivers in the desert."

  Isaiah 43:18-19

     I know God did not us bring us all this way so that I could be sad and wishing for what was.  He has a plan and a purpose for us and I have promised Paul that I would make a good effort here.  Even though money is tight and we are really struggling, I choose to believe that HE will make a way through this wilderness!

     In August, I wrote in my journal.  Abraham went to a place where he was to receive his inheritance - he went by faith - he did not know what to expect.

Hebrews 11 vs 9

"he dwelt as a temporary resident in the land 

which was designated in the promise 

((of God, though he was like a strange in a strange country)."

     I relate to this as I have ended up in NC, - a dream I always had to live somewhere warm.  I felt a dream, a desire, a yearning to come here for many years.  God made me!

He knows the desires of my heart! He has known me from the womb.  Surely HE placed all the yearnings in me!  Didn't HE?!!  I followed my dream to come to a warm place.  But at a cost.  Being away from all that is familiar and my job and my family and especially Ebby and Lana, has been so painful.  A bitter thing to swallow.  Why does it happen that what you want or think you want ends up being something that maybe isn't the best thing after all?  I continue to question if I went out of God's will.  Or is this His will?  I seek in His word to find the answers.

 I wrote all this a few months ago.  I can choose to dwell on the pain and nurture it but I will not any longer! 

     HE led me to this verse:  "Go from your country and your kindred and your fathers house (I was living in Mom and Dad's barn when He first showed me this verse) to the land I will show you." Genesis 12:1

  and Hebrews 11:10  "For he was waiting expectantly and confidently looking forward to the city which has fixed and firm foundations, whose Architect and Builder is God."  Wherever He has placed us is where He will make all things work together for good.  With Him as the architect I know He will build us a strong place!! 

     Sunday at church we prayed a prayer together.  In essence it was "Here I am Lord.  Send me."       I pray,  Here I am Lord,  I don't know what You have in store for me or us but I am here and I am trusting you to help me to do what You would have me do.  

     I claim this verse now,  "Therefore then, since I am surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let me strip off and throw aside every encumbrance ( all those things that weigh me down like guilt , regret and fear) and that sin which so readily clings to and entangles me, and let me run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before me.  Looking away from all that will distract, to Jesus, Who is the Author and perfecter of my Faith."

Amen

     10/30/17  CONFIRMATION
      I wrote all this a few weeks ago in my blog and now I must write about what I experienced in church yesterday.  God speaks to me.  Some people may not understand that but reading his word and praying; writing down my thoughts and experiences most often brings me to a place where I definitely hear God speaking.  Not a big sign in the sky kind of voice but a gentle whisper in my circumstances or confirmation from a trusted friend or my pastor and in this case a sermon from a visiting missionary at our church yesterday.
     His name is Jim Kelly and he gave his testimony about how he heard the Holy Spirit tell him, "This season is coming to an end.  I have another assignment for you."  Then another Pastor told him, "You're going to be leaving this place." and then his sister told him, "You have to be willing to let go of the old to take hold of the new."  All these things preceded a big change in his ministry.  He would leave his post of 27 years and step into the unknown.  To plant churches.  To give up his security and step out in "Great Faith" to what God was leading him to do.  To not know where his next paycheck was coming from.  He was obedient and never did he miss a mortgage payment or go without!  God provided in all ways!! 
     This man spoke of his journey and encouraged me mightily.  He quoted verses about Abraham that I wrote about previously.  About how Abraham left his country to pursue what God had for him.  He spoke from Isaiah and how he said "Behold I am doing a new thing."  I know that it was all confirmation of what I had written about previously.  I know that I need to have Great Faith to believe that God is in charge here in NC.  HE is not mad at me.  He is not punishing me.  He loves me and is leading Paul and I to what destiny HE has in store for us.  So , although things are still difficult now, especially financially, I will trust that HE will provide for us in every way.